Day what? 3? That's all?

Dear Diary…

 

Well, today is day 3 of the diet. I’m down to 187 (from 196) and I feel pretty good! Tired, sore from the workouts, but good. I was having a decent morning (aside from the rain) until disaster struck! Here’s the replay…

 

I’m sitting at my desk, deep in thought over my statements. I’ve had my morning protein shake, and am ready for the day. It’s quiet. Like too quiet. Like before the Zombies attack quiet. Then from one end of the office I hear a lone voice, “Anyone want a biscuit? I have plenty. Bacon, ham, pork. Come on over here and get one!” Now, as you may know, I’m only to eat either my shakes or a lean cuisine. Not a biscuit. Not at all. No sir. Not me. Well, let me just tell you, my body clearly has a mind of its own. My feet were moving faster than my brain could even begin to imagine! I was on my feet zooming in on that damn serving pan of lard (read: pan of biscuits) and had a beautiful pork one in my paws before I could even register what I was doing! It was like I was sleep walking. When my brain finally caught up to my feet, it was like waking up in the kitchen and not knowing how the HELL you got there. The light bulb went off and I realized, “I can’t eat this!” Well, at this point I had already taken a bite out of the yummy, porky, deliciousness, I was committed. I was at least a good girl and didn’t eat the actual biscuit, just the 4oz pork cutlet. It was just protein, right? Yeaaaahhhhh… That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

 

So now that I have seen just how guttural my response is to food, I need to be on the lookout for triggers. This one snuck up on me like a damn stealthy ass ninja… Whew! Those fuckers are fast~!  

 

 

Smiling through it all...

I’m going to put a warning on this entry. I’m feeling pretty emotional.

 

I know we have all been there. If it weren’t IF, it may have been something else. We have all had a point in our lives where we have had to put our smiles on and not let the world see just how much pain we are going through.

 

I have a co-worker who is quite the character. And that’s putting it nicely. She is in the cubicle directly next to mine. Our office is very quiet, so I can hear every phone conversation. In the past 6 months she has decided to become a Foster Parent. I know for a fact that she is only doing this for the money she will get. She has no problem telling everyone in the office how she is getting a foster kid. She has everyone fooled, but I know the truth. I can hear her when she is talking to her friends on the phone. Now, I’m sure it sounds as though I’m simply being bitter and hateful (and maybe I am) but this hits way too close for me. She knows we have been trying to have children. She has even had the balls to come over to my desk and start in with the “you should try to Foster! you get money for it an everything!” Do any of you know how many muscles it takes not to stab her in the face? I do… A LOT! And of course her timing couldn’t have been any worse. My DH and I have been talking for the past year about adoption, and here she comes making a complete farce of the entire process. I know that logically she didn’t set out to steal my thunder, so to speak. But tell that to my heart. Now I feel that if we do begin the process, everyone in my small (gossipy) office will simply think I’m doing it because she did!

 

I HATE INFERTILITY! I hate that I have these feelings. I hate that life can’t just be simple! FOR ONCE!

 

 

We're all Goddesses...

This is a Fertility Goddess. Well, it’s a carving of one. I find this little statue to be almost a kindred spirit. Not in the fact that I’m also a symbol for Fertility. Not hardly… More in the fact that we look EXACTLY the same!

Ok, I know you are all laughing, I can hear it on my computer. I can also hear the “No, you don’t” coming through loud & clear. I can only say this, none of you have seen me nekked. Just take my word on this, ok folks?

What boggles my mind the most about all of this is how someone who is shaped JUST LIKE a damned Fertility Goddess, can be infertile? I thought that made me like automatically part of the fertile club! I have ‘breeding hips’ for goodness sake. These huge beautiful things are going to waste here.

So take it from me folks, being shaped just like a Fertility Goddess, does not make you fertile. Trust me on this one… 

Cleaning out the Closet...

I clearly listen to entirely too much Eminem. I’m not really cleaning out my closet like his song, but I did pretty much come out of the IF Closet this weekend. It wasn’t the end of the world after all.

 

This weekend was Mother’s Day. We all know how that feels. We see all the commercials on TV, hear them on the radio, see the ads… It sucks. Well this year Facebook took it to a whole new level of suckiness. There was this little campaign for everyone to post pictures of their Mom’s. This of course made me realize that not only am I NOT a Mom, but that my Mom ain’t so great. I have no pictures of us together. There were simply no happy times to snap those pictures. Ugh!

 

Well, something in me just snapped this time. So I posted about my struggle with IF in MY status while everyone else was going on & on about how awesome their children were to them for Mother’s Day. I must say, it was pretty liberating. I learned that not only do I have some very supportive friends & family out there, but that some of those friends are going through the very same struggle! Somehow just knowing that I wasn’t alone helped.

 

Sometimes things get so stacked up and filled up in our closets that we simply have to COME OUT & clean house!

A Month...

So It's been a month. A lot has happened. Good & Bad. We went on our very first cruise. It was amazing. I can't wait to go on many more. As some of you may remember, I had asked my Dr. for some Progesterone to hold off my AF until after the cruise. MISTAKE! That was awful. Break through bleeding, cramping, and mood swings. And that was just while I was on it! When I finally stopped and let it flow, I thought I was going to die. The pain was unreal. I will never do that again. While I may be sad, angry, all that other crap, about IF and not getting pregnant, I am very thankful that I have a system that works. I'm so very glad that cycle is past me now. I don't have a single nice thing to say about it! Whew!

April Fools...

As one of my favorite IF websites, www.999reasonstolaugh.com, recently pointed out: Pretending to be knocked up as an April Fool's joke AIN'T FUNNY!

I have noticed that several of my cyber friends have posted on their FB pages that they did this today. Wow, how very original. Bravo to you.

And yes, before you even ask, I am being kind of snarky about this. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. I'm sure that if I had children, had not struggled with this IF, or simply didn't have feelings, I wouldn't mind so much.

Maybe I'll just stay off of FB today...

I can't believe this...

I actually called my Dr today to see if there was a way to bring on my AF early! I know! Me!

Here's the reason: I'm going on a cruise. Yep, I'm being selfish. Because of how wacky last month's cycle was, my AF is scheduled to show up the day we leave for the boat. That is the LAST thing that I want! Aside from the obvious discomfort & extra packing that would create, I don't want to be shark bait! The can smell a drop of blood for miles! NO WAY!!!

The good news is that my Dr office shared my good sense. However, instead of bringing it on early, we're going to delay it with Progesterone. Now, by delaying it for over a week, it's going to mean that next cycle is going to be squirrely... This is gonna be fun... Not!

Ah, the things we do with out bodies... Because IF ain't enough, we have to find new ways to torture ourselves...

Ha frickin' HA!

The universe has one hell of a sense of humor. On the same day that I find out that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is pregnant (a friend whose husband didn't even want kids), I get an email from a company that I have done market research for in the past. What's wrong with that you ask? Well the research this time was for BIRTH CONTROL! Yep, that's right, send the woman who can't get pregnant, who has a barren womb, a study about using a drug to NOT have a baby... Some times you just have to laugh at how ludicrous it all is. If you don't laugh, you'll just go insane (or end up with pirate liver)...

Our 100th Episode!

Not really. But this will be my 100th cycle without getting pregnant. I just love even numbers... NOT!

So because this really ISN'T a positive thing, I'm going to make it into something that is. I'm going to make myself get out and walk for over 100 minutes this weekend. I'm going to use that time to clear my head. That way I can face this next cycle with a fresh new start. Any one want to join me? It won't be hard, but it WILL be good for you!

Snow White and her 7 negative pee sticks...

Every month it's the same. We just can't wait to see if our period is actually late. We have no patience. We just have to know NOW! So what do we do? Come on ladies, you all know... We begin peeing on a stick. We start only a week after ovulation. We know it's not going to show up that fast, yet we torture ourselves anyway. It's a sick little game that we just can't stop. And now, if you'll excuse me... I need to pee... 

Staring is rude!

So as it turns out, staring at your fertility chart will not make you pregnant. It will however, make your eyes cross. It always seems like the months that you have the weirdest symptoms or cycle we stare the most. Why do we do this to ourselves? Who knows... Ok, I'm off to go stare some more... 

No coffee? Srsly?

Yep, no coffee. Today is day one. It's going to suck. There have been countless studies showing the negative effects of coffee & caffeine in general on the female body. It makes us retain water, screws with our hormones, and it's just plain bad! Of course as I say all of this, I'm thinking "but I like it so much!" Why, knowing all of those cons? Because I'm addicted! Damn it!!! Ok, now that I've got that out... Wish me luck ya'll!!!

What a month...

So with it's ups & downs, I feel this month was a bust. A lot has changed in my life this month though. It's not a bad thing, just time for some changes. Diet, back to exercising, taking some new stuff, just basics. I think the biggest change has been my outlook & attitude. I'm trying to see everything in a positive light. I think in the long run this is going to be the best building block.

Just greeeaaaattttt...

So, because having a completely barren womb isn't bad enough... Now it's gone all wonky on me. And to top it off, for the first time in 10 yrs, my much loved Va-jay-jay doc is no longer in network. They say that all things happen for a reason. I'm hoping that there is a reason why I now have to find a new doc...

Lbs...

Weight loss sucks. It's not fun. It's not easy. It IS however, worth it. I won't lie, I've been lazy. Over the past 12 years I've gained over 60lbs. It has taken me this long to gain it all, but I'll be damned if it's going to take me that long to get it off! I'm down 6lbs as of this morning. I know that may not seem like much, but it's 10% of my goal... Not too bad for the first 2wks... Not too bad...

How much is that puppy in the window?

The average person has no clue how much infertility can cost. They don't know that so many couples will never know the joy of being a parent due to the prohibitive cost. I'm not talking about just medical procedures. Adoption is so far out of reach, that it's impossible to comprehend. After battling this for almost 9 years now, I am fully aware of the costs. Thankfully, we are FINALLY getting to a point financially that we can begin to afford some of the less expensive procedures. And while this gives me a renewed sense hope, it makes me sad for those who will not be able to afford even the basic chances to be parents. Our country will pay for so many other programs, why not a program for Infertility? Why not? It makes you think, doesn't it... Why all the welfare programs, public housing, and others along those same lines? Why not one for those of us who simply want a chance to build a family?

Day 1...

So I've decided to start this thing up again. Here we go again :0)

I've started taking some really good quality vitamins, got back into my work out routine, and have started tracking my cycles again.

It's a new beginning. I still have hope. I will never lose that...